I seem to be getting mini panic-attacks often around 9 p.m. Usually when I am away from the family here in Kansas and something flares up there, and/or I haven't had any significant social interactions for 24 hours or so. They pass either when some specific problem at home is resolved or when I get to a different part of the day / night cycle. At 9 anything can make me panic, but I can be asleep by 12. I'm ok in the morning too.

Maybe it's turning 50 without having resolved some problems yet. I could distinguish between the underlying problems, like being in a long-distance commuting situation for more than 20 years, feeling I don't have enough money in relation to my sheer wonderfulness, and the individual triggers, the things that actually make me panicked on individual evenings. Those triggers don't cause me to panic, they just flip a switch (a trigger). In the same way, hostile or violent thoughts are not caused by the immediate stimulus, but simply triggered, set in motion.

It would be helpful to have some clarity. I'm working on that and have achieved some, I think. But even though I understand pretty well why I'm not happy, I don't have a solution in mind that's within my own power.