UNACKNOWLEDGED LEGISLATOR DECLARES REAGAN ADMINISTRATION "NOT TO HAVE HAPPENED"

LAWRENCE, KS. In a surprising development, local Lawrence, Kansas poet Jonathan Mayhew, an unacknowledged legislator of the world, declared "non-existent" the entire Reagan administration. Evoking a rarely-used form of poetic license, Mayhew re-wrote the entire history of 1980s to make the Iran-Contra scandal, the devastation of the environment, and similar historical catastrophes "not to have happened." Although Mayhew is only the 25th best poet in Kansas, and ranks number 33,021 on the national scale, his act has been deemed legitimate by many experts in the field. Robert Pinsky, an expert on poetic legislation despite the fact that his poetic rank is only 444,342 out of 500,000 legislator poets, was quoted as saying, "I wish I had thought of that. Although Mayhew is virtually unknown as a poet, the act follows proper protocol."

In view of this almost unprecedented poetic act, the Bush White House has declared tomorrow's funeral services to be "fictitious." "We're going on with the ceremony as planned," stated an anonymous source. "Since poetry is the supreme fiction, there is no need to change any of the plans."